Subject: FW: Laugh Of The Day - Mon, Jun 24 1996
Date: Mon, 22 Jul 1996 07:21:51 -0500

*File Description: The Accident Report*


Dear Sir,
         It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you;
regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following
circumstances, and haste in order that you will get this report
before you form your own preconceived opinions from reports in the
World Press, for I am sure that they will tend to overdramatise the
affair.

         We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had
returned from changing the 'G' flag for the 'H', and being his first
trip was having difficulty in rolling the 'G' flag up. I therefore
proceeded to show him how, coming to the last part I told him to 'let
go'. The lad, although willing, is not too bright, necessitating my
having to repeat the order in a sharper tone.

         At this moment the Chief Officer appeared from the chartroom,
having been plotting the vessel's progress, and thinking that it was
the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the
Third Officer on the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared
away, but not walked out, was promptly let go. The effect of letting
the anchor drop from the 'pipe' while the vessel was proceeding at
full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the
entire length of the port cable was pulled out 'by the roots'. I fear
that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking
effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in
that direction, right towards the swing bridge that spans a tributary
to the river up which we were proceeding.

         The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by
opening the bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to
stop the vehicular traffic. The result being that the bridge partly
opened and deposited a Volkswagon, two cyclists and a cattle truck on
the foredeck. My ship's company are at present rounding up the
contents of the latter, which from the noise I would say were pigs.
In his efforts to stop the progress of the vessel the Third Officer
dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be of practical use for it
fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.

         After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to
sheer I gave a double ring Full Astern on the Engine Room Telegraph,
and personally rang the Engine Room to order maximum astern
revolutions. I was informed that the temperature was 83 degrees, and
was asked if there was a film tonight. My reply would not add
constructively to this report.

         Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the
forward end of my vessel. Down aft they were having their own
problems. At the moment the port anchor was let go, the Second
Officer was supervising the making fast of the aft tug, and was
lowering the ship's towing spring down into the tug.

         The sudden braking effect of the port anchor caused the tug to
'run in under' the stern of my vesel, just at the moment when the
propeller was answering my double ring Full Astern. The prompt action
of the Second Officer in securing the shipboard end of the towing
spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes thereby
allowing the safe abandoning of that vessel.

         It is strange, but at the very same moment of letting go the
port anchor there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were
passing over a 'cable area' at that time may suggest that we may have
touched something on the river bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high
tension cables brought down by the foremast were not live, possibly
being replaced by the underwater cable, but owing to the shore
blackout it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.

         It never fails to amaze me, the actions and behaviour of
foreigners during moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance, is
at this moment huddled in the corner of my day cabin, alternately
crooning to himself and crying after having consumed a bottle of gin
in a time that is worthy of inclusion in the Guinness Book of
Records. The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had
to forcibly be restrained by the Steward, who has him handcuffed in
the ship's hospital while he is telling me to do impossible things
with my ship and my person.

         I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers, and insurance
companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the Third Officer
collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle.
These particulars will enable you to claim back the damage that they
did to the railings of number one hold.

         I am closing this preliminary report for I am finding it
difficult to concentrate with the sound of police sirens and the
flashing lights.

         It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there
is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have
happened.

         Yours truly,
                     Master...





